October 2011- Have confidence in your child's ability to build self-confidence

Most parenting books focus on what parents should do to raise a healthy, happy child. I offer a different approach, asking parents to step back from the role of fixer, and, instead, become a mentor. My approach enables a child to develop self-confidence from within. It's also a radical departure from the commonly held belief that parents are supposed to shape the personality of their child.
If we understand that our task is to bring out the best qualities that children are born with instead of trying to instill them, then our role automatically changes from fixer to mentor.
As mentors, we partner with our children by acknowledging and praising their efforts, thus corroborating what they already know about themselves. Conversely, as fixers, parents who hit or yell at children tend to chip away at their self-confidence.
Let me illustrate this shift with a scenario from my book, 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children. In it, 6-year-old Charley comes home from school one day and announces to his mother, "Nobody likes me."
"Oh, don't be ridiculous, Charley, everyone loves you," she says as she rushes to make him feel better. "I love you, Daddy loves you, Grandpa loves you, Grandma loves you. For goodness sake, even the dog is crazy about you. You have no reason to feel that way. Here, have a chocolate chip cookie, and stop thinking such silly thoughts."
Mom's good intention was to make Charley feel better. But, what he really needed was an opportunity to sort out his feelings, with his mom listening patiently at his side.
A different dialogue shows how Charley's mom enables him to face his issue and resolve it on his own. In this scenario, after Charley announces, "Nobody likes me," his mom instructs him to put away his things and meet her in the kitchen.
Charley returns and sits down at the table.
Mom: I'm listening, Charley. (There are no probing questions to divert him from his own path.)
Charley: Well, I know you like me ‘cause you're my mother. But I don't know if anyone else does. Do you ever wonder if people like you?
Mom: Sometimes I do. (This tells Charley that he's not the only one who feels this way)
Charley: ‘Specially when you do bad things?
Mom: What do you mean by bad things, Charley?
Charley: Like not helping a friend.
Mom: Do you want to tell me more about that? (Notice that she shows no judgment.)
Charley: Well, I didn't help somebody today.
Mom: I see. (Still there's no preaching or probing.)
Charley: Do you have to help people even when you don't feel like it?
Mom: Well, Charley, what would you say to that?
Charley: Sometimes I feel like helping, and sometimes I don't.
Mom: People do feel that way. (She offers more reassurance.)
Charley: Do you think I'm a bad person if I don't help?
Mom: I never think you're a bad person, Charley.
Charley: Well, I didn't help my friend today, and I feel bad about it.
Mom: Charley, figuring out what to do in these kinds of situations is part of growing up. So, what do you think about helping when you are not in a helping mood?
Charley: I think I should help anyway.
Mom: That's pretty grown-up thinking, Charley.
Charley: Yeah. Thanks, Mom.

Fixer vs. Mentor
Here is a comparison between what a fixer and a mentor does for children, and what each role teaches them:
A fixer interprets a child's action or feeling as wrong and then tries to correct or fix it. / A mentor has faith in the child's ability to correct his or her own actions or feelings and encourages the child to do so through a non-judgmental dialogue.
A fixer uses external rewards or punishments to bring about change in the child. / A mentor supports the child as he or she is, inspiring him or her to be the best he or she can be.
A fixer conveys a negative image of the child to him- or herself. / A mentor conveys a positive image of the child to him- or herself.
A fixer assumes that the child has no ability to correct his or her own behavior. / A mentor assumes the child has what it takes to make change.
A fixer usurps the child's initiative to correct his or her own behavior. / A mentor does not interfere with the child's chance to correct his or her own behavior.
The fixer fosters dependency on others to know what is right and wrong. / The mentor enables the child to recognize and respect his or her own inner authority.
As parents, when we praise the efforts children have made to achieve their own goals, we corroborate what they already know about themselves. In that way, we don't "make" children self-confident. Rather, we verify it for them.

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