January 2008

When I asked my grandfather, "How did it feel to fly for the first time when you were ninety years old?," he answered, "Wonder of Wonders!" If you were asked about your first time experiences, how you would respond? Would you say wonder of wonders? Or do you find it hard to deal with new situations or sudden change?
Here we are in a new year, with a new political shift, and a new president, all of which is change enough to deal with. But with a president of color, a first in the history of the United States, we are in a new era of major proportions. What will it take for any of us to adapt to such monumental changes?
Some of us have the ability to accept the changes in our lives, or within ourselves, or in the world around us, seamlessly. Indeed, we don't miss a beat as we welcome change as an exciting adventure. Others among us need time to adapt, to get a grip on our emotions, to adjust to the difference. Given enough time, however, we get through the period of transition and settle into the newness. And still others find it difficult to deal with the uncertainty of the unknown, and we resist change with all our might. You'll find the same variables among children.
Let's take a look at that wonderful, often fearless little explorer, the two-year-old. Steady on his feet now, he's ready to take on the world. Everything he sees, smells, hears, touches, and tastes requires his full investigation. If anyone was ever ready for change, it's the two-year-old. (And yet, despite his risk-taking spirit, he also needs a measure of sameness in his life – a source of comfort that makes him feel secure. It could be his security blanket, or the need to hear the same story over and over or the consistent rules that make him feel safe.) So while we can expect the more adventuresome child to adapt to change quickly, not every two-year-old is ready to spread his wings. Some children are more wary and less inclined to venture too far from their secure environment. Sudden change is unsettling to them, and they find it very hard to make the transition from one situation to another.
Here's a common scene between a quick-to-adapt mom and her slow-to-adapt little kid. Mom can hardly be understanding and patient when her child, who is filled with trepidation on the first day of school, gets a stomach ache and is crying her head off just as the school bus stops in front of their house. How does she stop the tears, allay her child's fears, and get her on the bus? Chances are, she can't.
What will work is knowing your child before any crisis occurs. There are countless opportunities everyday to observe how children adapt to the changes in their lives. How do they make the transition from playing to getting ready for bed; how do they handle the new baby who suddenly showed up in their lives; how do they deal with the prospect of moving to a new home; or going to a new school and having to be accepted by new classmates? How do they deal with illness, in themselves or others? How do they adapt to a change in the way you treat them?
In my book I wrote about a mother who changed the way she dealt with her son's habit of kicking walls when he was angry. Instead of screaming at him, one day she decided to validate his feelings by calmly saying, "I see you were very angry." The poor little kid was so unnerved by this mother-turned-stranger, he got up, stomped toward the door calling over his shoulder, "I hate when you talk to me like that!" What a good example of a child's resistance to the change in his mother's demeanor. He felt she was "suddenly a stranger." What could be more scary to a child than that? Even a good change can be threatening. So what could she have done to prepare him for the change in her? She could have let him know in advance that she did not like yelling at him, and that she wanted to try something new.
Lastly, avoid false assurances that everything will be all right. Rather assure your child that you will be at her side if and when she needs your help. Above all, let her know that she has a reservoir of courage inside her that she can count on to get her through the tough times.

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