Sept. 2011 - Let your child be the judge

By Molly Brown Koch

My column last month, in the August 2011 issue of Baltimore's Child, was inspired by a grandmother in one of my parenting workshops, who told the group that she gave candy to the children in her care as a reward for doing their schoolwork. By the end of the discussion, she came to see that candy, or toys, or other such short-cut external rewards could distract the children from developing the internal rewards of personal satisfaction, pride in their achievements, or awareness of the value of their own abilities.
Parents attain these longer-lasting results by showing real interest in their children's schoolwork, taking the time to find out what they did to earn their grades, and praising their efforts. When we corroborate what children know about themselves, we create a partnership in helping them build healthy self-esteem.
Sarah, one of the mothers in that group, suggested another way parents try to motivate their children by relating her husband's approach. She said that when their daughter, Susie, brought home a test with a B grade, her dad asked her why she hadn't gotten an A. Rather than motivate Susie to work harder, mom felt her husband's approach only served to discourage her.
"My daughter says she feels she is never good enough to please her dad," says Sarah.
And, indeed, despite dad's good intentions, his question turned out to be a mistake.
While he had meant to stimulate his daughter to do better next time, he did not foresee that, instead, she would take his question as a reproach. And, because he did not know how hard she had worked to get a good grade nor consider that it was the best she could do at that time, his question inhibited her from trying harder.
Rather than run the risk of offending or frustrating her, the following dialogue demonstrates how support and confidence in his child could bring about the desired motivation.
Dad: Well, Susie, that B looks pretty good to me. (Parent's statement shows support.)
Susie: I think I could have gotten an A. (Child recognizes a shortcoming.)
Dad: What would you have had to do to get an A? (Parent places responsibility for a solution on child.)
Susie: Well, I was supposed to do more research, but I didn't. (Child accepts responsibility.)
Dad: Is there anything I could have helped you with? (Parent is showing more support.)
Susie: No, Dad, thanks. I'll try to do better next time. (Child is motivating herself.)
When children have the freedom to judge their own performance or behavior, they have an opportunity to look at themselves. Parents often are amazed at their children's honesty about themselves. Encouraging kids to evaluate themselves is a far more effective way to bring about change than criticizing them, constructively or otherwise.
It takes a strong, healthy self-image to handle criticism. Without it, people become defensive or hurt. And, instead of looking at themselves, they tend to make excuses or blame others.
In the dialogue, Dad leaves it up to his daughter to know what she needs to do to get the higher grade. His supportive statements and offers of help show that he is there for her if she needs him. Feeling safe with her father, Susie admits that she did not put forth the effort to get the higher grade.
But-let me emphasize this-the issue is not the grade. We're talking about the much bigger issue of Susie's integrity. And, using this approach, Dad doesn't have to wag his finger at her and lecture about working harder, studying more, being responsible, and all the other kinds of lessons parents are tempted to teach when trying to motivate children.
Putting the responsibility for solving their problems into their own hands-and taking the time and having the patience to listen to them-we make children feel safe enough to recognize and admit their own shortcomings. One more way we show respect for children is to trust that they can come up with their own solutions and to be sure to let them know that we have faith in them to do so.

blog comments powered by Disqus

< Prev		Next >