May
20
Sunday
| August 2011-What is your child's just reward? |
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| Baltimore's Child | |||
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In one of my recent parenting workshops, a grandmom/caregiver said she trains her grandchildren to do their chores or homework by rewarding them with candy. While other parents said they, too, have difficulty motivating their children, they felt they should not have to reward them for doing the things that they simply need to do. That day's discussion quickly became all about the relationship between rewarding children and motivating them. Here is a look at how that discussion went. Me: What do you think causes children to be unmotivated? Moms: They're lazy. Me: Then, I highly recommend Dr. Mel Levine's book, The Myth of Laziness. Basically, he says that no child wants to fail-so something is blocking him or her. But to return to the discussion do you think training children with rewards motivates them? Mom #1: Nothing is going to motivate my boy. He's just so angry all the time. Me: Do you know why he's so angry? Mom #1: He complains that I don't have time for him. Me (to all of the moms): What other complaints do you hear? Mom #2: My son complains that I don't listen. Mom #3: My son complains that we never go anywhere. Mom #4: My daughter complains that I pay more attention to the baby than to her. Me: Do you think these complaints could be connected in some way to their lack of motivation? Mom #5: It sounds like low self-esteem is a big part of the problem. Me: Let's look at self-esteem. Does the child who says his mother doesn't have time for him feel he is not important enough for her to spend time with him? Does the boy who complained that his mother doesn't listen feel that what he has to say is of no interest to her? Does the son who complained that they never go anywhere feel he's not good enough for his mom to take him places? Does the child who complained that her mother pays more attention to the baby than to her feel she is not as loved as she used to be? Our busy lives leave parents with little time for themselves, let alone time for their children. If this sounds like you, then begin to think in terms of planning special time instead of more time-time when you can be fully present for your child. It can happen in as little as five to 10 fully attentive minutes, such as when you're sitting on your child's bed at night and listening to his or her concerns or having a necessary conversation to make amends for any hurts in words or deeds that have occurred between you that day. Now, let's get back to the discussion of rewarding children with candy or toys. Grandmom: Well, it gets the children to do what they are supposed to do. Me: So, do they comply because they want the candy, and will it teach them to take responsibility for themselves? Grandmom: It doesn't always work, but maybe after a while it will get them into the habit of doing what they're supposed to do. Me: Do the children feel proud of themselves when they do what they are supposed to do? Grandmom: They should. Me: Let's get back to the issue of their self-esteem. Where do you think it comes from? Grandmom: From praising them. Me: And what do you praise? Mom #6: I tell them I'm proud of them. Me: And children also need to hear that they should be proud of themselves so that they value what they do. Mom #3: So, we should praise the child's effort? Me: Exactly! Self-esteem comes from the child's appreciation of her own ability! Now can you see that, when we give children candy or toy rewards, we turn their attention away from their feelings of personal satisfaction and achievement and instead teach them to focus on external rewards? Ultimately, self-esteem comes from within-from children valuing their own efforts and their resulting achievement. When we praise their hard-earned efforts and appreciate them, we corroborate what they know about themselves. It is on this foundation that children build their self-esteem.
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