Mend the hurtful moments with your kids

While January and resolutions may go together like a hand and a glove, they’re often broken by February. But how about taking a cue from February’s Valentine theme—and making a promise to yourself purely out of love? In particular, I’m thinking of a promise about being a better parent. We all have moments when we react, or overreact, to our children’s behaviors without thinking about the effect it might have on them. Parents who call their children names such as lazy, careless, clumsy, and stupid, probably don’t realize that their kids often take what they say as gospel. After all, most children think their mothers and fathers know everything, so what their parents say must be true. Literal beings that they are, children may internalize the label they’re given and act accordingly, sometimes for life. Or, they may engage in extreme endeavors just to prove us wrong.

As parents, even with all our good intentions and desires to change the way we react, we still have times when stress brings out the weakest or worst in us. Our worst hurts our children, and it hurts us, too. Yet, with a little practice and the determination to make things right, we can turn our momentary outbursts into a reconciliation of our hearts.

Here’s how that works.

Little hurts and emotional bruises, humiliations, and resentments build up during the day in our children and in us. When we ask the kids to clean up their rooms and nothing happens, some of us take it personally. We think about all the things we do for them, and we can’t help resenting their unwillingness to cooperate with us. Children take our scoldings personally, and they, too, feel resentment. These negative feelings build day after day in us and in them.

What is missing are necessary conversations—brief moments at the child’s bedside when we can revisit the hurtful moments that happened earlier in the day and offer mutual apologies and seek mutual forgiveness—to clear the air and the heart.

Such a conversation would go something like this:

Mother: Katie, I’d like to talk about what happened today and apologize for yelling at you the way I did. You didn’t clean up your room after I asked you to and that upset me. But I don’t like the way I yelled, and I want to apologize for that.

Katie: That’s okay, Mom.

Mother: I’m asking you to forgive me if I hurt your feelings.

Katie: Okay, Mom, and I’m sorry, too, for upsetting you. Will you forgive me?

Mother: Yes, of course, Katie, but there’s one more thing. I’m going to forgive myself for losing control, and it would be a good idea for you to forgive yourself, too.

In this short conversation, a world of healing took place. And a lot of learning. Notice first, that Mother focused on the behavior and not on Katie. She made clear that she had a valid reason to be upset and that she was not backing down on the importance of Katie taking responsibility for cleaning her room. Mother apologized for the way she handled it. Does she diminish her position of authority by asking for Katie’s forgiveness? No. She modeled the kind of behavior she hopes Katie will emulate. How else will children learn to forgive not only others, but themselves? Growing up with this experience, Katie will become accustomed to and comfortable with forgiving others and for herself.

An added benefit to these necessary conversations is the relief we feel from our own guilt after we have overreacted. Also, we need not confine these necessary conversations to the mistakes that were made. They also provide opportunities to review the day’s activities and share feelings of gratitude and the sheer enjoyment of each other’s company. Here, in the quiet of their bedrooms, we can answer the questions our children raise during the day. Or, we can simply ask questions that will give us a greater understanding and insight about our child.

Here’s an example:

Mother: Katie, you read so many books. Which one is your favorite?

Katie: Misty.

Mother: About the horses that swim over to Chincoteague Island in Virginia?

Katie: Uh, huh.

Mother: So, you like horses?

Katie: I love horses.

Mother: Do you want to have a horse someday?

Katie: I sure do and I want to be a vet and take care of them.

By just asking a simple question about books, a mother discovered her little girl’s dream.

Do you know your children’s secret dreams? Do you know how they feel about the life they are living? Do you know what causes them stress? Do you know what kind of relationships they have with their peers? In short, how well do you know your children? Knowing our children is not just a matter of being able to predict their behaviors; it is also important to know what their behaviors mean to them.