May
20
Sunday
| September 2010 |
 |
 |
| Baltimore's Child | |||
|
Are bullies bullied by siblings? According to research findings quoted in the British Journal of Developmental Psychology, the answer is yes: boys who are bullied by older male siblings tend to bully others. Girls who bully have poor sibling relationships, have high levels of conflict, and low levels of empathy. Are bullies bullied by their parents? The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services research shows that parents who use harsh physical discipline are modeling bullying behavior. On the other hand, overly permissive parents who are unable to set limits allow their children to do as they want without consequences. The research also revealed that parents’ lack of warmth and involvement also leads to bullying. “Do as I say . . . or else” is a bullying tactic to get children to obey the rules. This kind of control produces animosity and resistance not only toward the parent but toward the rules as well. So if a child needs an outlet for the anger and resentment he feels at his parents’ bullying tactics, what better target than the younger or weaker child that reminds him how helpless he feels. Bullying children tend to be aggressive and lack a moral compass – a dangerous combination. However, while it appears that some children are born with more aggressiveness than other children, they are not natural bullies. Bullying is a learned behavior! When children are bullied by siblings or parents, Debra Pepler, Distinguished Research Professor at York University in London, England says, “it is a relationship problem that requires relationship solutions by focusing on the bully’s strained relationship with parents.” Imagine then, the impact of children hearing, “If I didn’t love you, I wouldn’t hit you.” What kind of future relationships would these children seek if they have been raised with the love and violence connection? So now the question is, is it possible for parents to repair strained relationships with their children? Because I have seen it happen hundreds of times in my long career as a parent educator, I say an emphatic Yes! It begins with the parents’ faith in their own and their children’s ability to make changes in their attitudes and methods. Then it is up to parents to take the first step. The parent who has been demanding obedience with “or-else” threats of punishment needs to recognize the effect of such discipline on the child’s self-image and the other consequences of fear and intimidation. Hitting children is a short-cut method of discipline. When parents’ patience decreases while their frustration increases over their inability to get children to do what they want or expect them to do, hitting brings about a quick result. If, however, the goal of discipline is to help children develop self-discipline and self-control and self-esteem and self-respect, hitting is not the way to achieve it. In fact, hitting does quite the opposite; it intercepts the child’s ability to develop self-discipline/control/ So is it any wonder that children who have been subjected to corporal punishment lack empathy for or sensitivity to others? Is it so surprising to see such children letting out their own frustration and resentment on children smaller and weaker than themselves? Isn’t it apparent that they learned how to bully from having been bullied by a larger, stronger person in their own lives? Too often people quote the proverb, “Spare the rod and spoil the child” which they take as a prescription to hit their children. Many Hebrew words are open to interpretation. The word “rod” can also refer to the shepherd’s rod (as in the 23rd Psalm – “My rod and my staff they comfort me.”) The shepherd uses his rod to guide his sheep, not strike them. Another interpretation of the word “rod” is “authority.” This tells us to use our authority to guide our children. And still another interpretation is that the rod is a symbol of “righteousness. So when parents insist that the proverb is God’s command to hit their children, they are completely off the mark. Most proverbs are attributed to King Solomon, some by other men, but none are the word of God. It’s time to end violence against children by justifying it in God’s name. And it’s time to end the cycle of violence which begins in the home and winds up in the schools and on the streets.
|
