June 2009

Have you ever wondered why June was the most frequently the month of choice for weddings? (I say “was” because wedding trackers report that August now outranks June in popularity.) I found two explanations (or myths) for June’s favored status. The first claims that the ancient Romans married in June as a tribute to Juno, their goddess of marriage. The second has a socially practical, and as you will see, a necessary purpose. It is believed that in the 1500s and 1600s people took their annual bath in the month of June, that made June the most bearable time for social events, or any other kind of event, for that matter.
So it’s June and I am thinking about weddings and marriage and what makes couples live happily ever after. Some twosomes agree on everything and other couples agree on nothing and both can have good marriages. So being happily married may not be as much a matter of how often we agree but more a matter of how we disagree – and not so much a matter of being frustrated or discontented, but how we handle our frustrations and discontentment.
I’ve met many married couples over the past 80 years (beginning of course, with my own parents) and found that the happiest couples were also the most effective parents. Without having the stress of combat, happy parents were free to give their children ample affection and attention. Less compatible couples were also able to achieve their happy state by learning how to disagree without being disagreeable. They didn’t let their difference taint their relationship with each other or with their children. They in fact, respected their differences.
I remember a fascinating scene in the home of my friends, Grace and Mike (not their real names.) I was seated at their dinner table with their five children when Mike’s casual remark on a political issue suddenly morphed into a blazing argument. Of particular interest was the way the children reacted to their parents’ dispute. Written on their faces I could see they were taking it in stride because mom and dad would end this difference of opinion with their usual good humor and mutual respect.
What a good example of civility Grace and Mike were giving their children. They were teaching them that they could disagree without rancor or insult, and that relationships can withstand the heat of verbal battle without casualties. These were mature adults voicing strong opinions, but they went easy on each other’s feelings. They acknowledged each other’s views and by staying strictly within the bounds of politics they avoided dragging personal attacks into the discussion.
In this household there was no name calling, no tag on long-lamented slights and insults incurred by in-laws, and no verbal abuse. At times, the children were invited to add their thoughts, but not before Mike asked them to check their facts beforehand. With the Internet close at hand, ordinary discussions turned into learning experiences for the whole family. These sessions usually ended with good-natured praise and laughter and fellowship. It followed that when the Bradley children engaged in battles of their own, they had the same respectful dialogues they observed in and learned from their parents.
Every member of this family had the courage to state their opinions without fear of humiliation. Each one had the freedom to be true to him and herself. Each one had the ability to listen to opposing points of view without feeling threatened or undermined.
The parents never belittled their children or trivialized their ideas. The youngsters were treated with the same dignity and respect afforded to each other. Their discussions always began with the youngest child giving her opinion first which gave her a chance to express her own ideas without being influenced or intimidated by the ideas of the older members of the family.
At the Bradley’s dinner table I learned that differences and strong opinions can be accepted, that couples can be respectful, that disagreements do not have to ruin relationships, and that people who differ can live happily ever after, after all.

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