July 2008

At first I was puzzled when my friend Laura, a retired teacher, told me she used to start her classes with someone telling a joke. It didn't have to be funny for everyone to laugh, she said, because they were all instructed to laugh anyway. In fact, not getting the joke was in itself funny – and the infectious laugh of thirty kids had the classroom in an uproar. She didn't say how long the hilarity lasted, but she did say that when they couldn't laugh any more, they were ready to get down to work.
Laura felt that laughter brought her class into a cohesive whole. She and her students shared something they couldn't explain – a feeling, a moment, a common bond. It seemed to add a dimension of fellowship that made them feel safe in each other's presence. So I wondered what effect it would have on families if they started each day by gathering around the kitchen table with everyone instructed to laugh whether they felt like it or not. Then at dinner time, each person could tell how the laughter affected their day.
Recent research has something to say about the healthful effects of laughter. It uplifts, it brightens one's outlook, it strengthens the immune system, it's good for the heart. (Google effects of laughter and see the research for yourself.) In a world so filled with worry and stress, laughter can be not only a life-saver but also a way to savor life. Personally, I love to laugh and to make other people laugh. It is one of the ways I connect with others and it's just fun, plain and simple.
Laughter also helps us lighten up! Though we want to take our job of parenting seriously, we don't have to take ourselves too seriously. If we accept that parenting is on-the-job training, and we're all going to make mistakes, (which are usually made inadvertently anyway) laughter can help us keep things in perspective. When we take our mistakes in stride, not worry about them, apologize for them (giving our children opportunities to practice forgiveness) and learn from them, we can relax and keep moving forward. And we keep moving forward toward better parenting when we learn from each mistake instead of continuing to make the same ones over and over.
Like most parenting issues, or life in general, there's always a downside to consider. So even laughter has it's drawbacks. It can be a cruel and hurtful put-down when it is aimed at a person's differences — the way they look, or sound, or feel, or think or their weaknesses or mistakes. Much of today's humor appears to target differences. I notice that young people especially think it's funny to laugh at disabilities, or how people look or dress. Stinging sarcasm is covered over with "I was just kidding," and harsh satire passes for wit when it is just another way to denigrate and belittle an individual or group of people.
Some television comedians add to the atmosphere of humiliation and the end result is desensitization. When people laugh at differences they feel free from having to feel sympathy or compassion. I heard someone use the term "compassion-fatigue." With so much suffering in the world, and so much instant coverage of it in the media – with pictures of dead and dying troops in the war, starving children in Africa, battered women and children – the list is endless – people are weary of feeling sad or helpless or frustrated.
It is particularly appalling when parents laugh at, not with, their children. Sure, some of the things young children do are so cute and adorable we can't stifle a good-natured laugh no matter how hard we try. But laughing at them when they are crying, or hurt, or embarrassed can leave an indelible mark on their self-image. Never, never should children be ridiculed by laughing at them! Neither should wives or husbands. We need to monitor what children watch on television and the internet. Watch with them and talk about the insult of derisive laughter, whether it is in the audience, the comedian, the cartoons, or in their interactions with other children. Laughter is a gift when it is healthy and shared. When used to hurt, it is a torment.

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