Baltimore's Child Magazine - February 2008
Interview with Joanne Giza

Local publishing house, Sidran Institute Press, recently released 27 Secrets to Raising Amazing Children by local author Molly Brown Koch. Interviewing Molly was like talking to an old friend - not because at 80 Molly is old. Anything but! But because the give and take came from a place of respect, the kind of respect we hope we share with our true friends.

For decades now Molly has led and continues to lead a variety of parenting groups that have included mothers in public and private schools, mothers returning to society following incarceration, and mothers parenting in situations where there had been domestic violence. [More recently, she has added parents of inner city school children.] Out of those groups, Molly has learned the keys to successful parenting.

"You see," says Molly, "I came to my groups not to teach, but to listen and to learn. My role as I saw it was to help parents find their own answers within themselves. The diversity of their backgrounds, history, customs, experiences, and feelings and the ways in which they dealt with the trials and tribulations of parenting as well as its joys and satisfactions gave me a wide-lens picture of what it means to be a parent. The parents who were already raising amazing children taught me what it takes to succeed, and I pass their secrets along . . ."

Where can heartbroken children learn a vocabulary that will enable them to express their pain? What is the language of grief? Where can grieving children find solace and understanding? Where can they find friends who too, are struggling with devastating loss? Where can they go to learn how to live with loss – and how to be happy again?

Stella Maris, well-known for its outstanding hospice services, offers children ages five to eleven, and teens from twelve to seventeen, a place of their own to share in the healing process after the death of a loved one - a parent, grandparent, a favorite relative, a special friend, a beloved pet. Each year, for twenty-five years, children of all backgrounds met for a day with their peers and skilled counselors to talk about the wounds of loss. Here they hear the words they need to sort out the myriad feelings that happen when a loved one dies – feelings of sadness and grief, pain and fear, anger and loneliness, and for some children, guilt. Who will take care of me? Why did this happen? Will I ever be happy again? Does anyone know how I feel? Was it my fault? Why does God do this to people? How can I live without _____?

It's spring and the end of the confining harsh winter, and many of us can hardly wait to take a car ride out to the country, or across the country, on the first warm sunshiny day. But are you as scared as I am about the anarchy on the highways you see everywhere you go? It seems it's every man, woman and teenager for him and herself, driving without any regard for the safety of their fellow travelers. So before we head out, perhaps it is time we start asking the questions none of us wants to ask - or answer: What kind of people are driving 10, 20, and more miles over the posted speed limits? What kind of people are ignoring stop signs and red lights? What kind of people are cutting in front of you without a fare-thee-well, gesturing and snarling at you when you protest the threat they pose to your life and limb? What kind of people are talking on their cell phones while driving despite the new law against it, and worse, what kind of people are still sending and answering text messages, eating their lunch, putting on their makeup, driving drunk or drug impaired and slamming into one another with frightening frequency. Since judging others is frowned upon in this politically-correct era, are we just supposed to allow that it is simply a matter of good people doing thoughtless things?

Mend the hurtful moments with your kids

While January and resolutions may go together like a hand and a glove, they’re often broken by February. But how about taking a cue from February’s Valentine theme—and making a promise to yourself purely out of love? In particular, I’m thinking of a promise about being a better parent. We all have moments when we react, or overreact, to our children’s behaviors without thinking about the effect it might have on them. Parents who call their children names such as lazy, careless, clumsy, and stupid, probably don’t realize that their kids often take what they say as gospel. After all, most children think their mothers and fathers know everything, so what their parents say must be true. Literal beings that they are, children may internalize the label they’re given and act accordingly, sometimes for life. Or, they may engage in extreme endeavors just to prove us wrong.